i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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