You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
