I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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