Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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