I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
