i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
