i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no, he came in my armpit
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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