sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
how does that bad decision feel?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
