woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I deserve this hangover.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
