He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
