I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
