dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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