i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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