The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize