Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
