Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
