I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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