opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
