FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
