how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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