if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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