somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
