I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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