If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
