As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Randomize
