Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
