I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
