I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
