I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize