tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
