Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
