I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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