barbara walters just said penis...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
