your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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