You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
