Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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