so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
