I'm so fucking centered right now
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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