Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
