does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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