Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize