I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
