I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
