So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
