@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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