Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
