Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
