Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
