Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
