What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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