I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize