She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
