i just wanna soil my oats bro
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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