I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
