woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
