so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize