Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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