somebody snuck up and got me drunk
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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