Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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