hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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