Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The uberlube is also flammable
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
