I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
