just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
