You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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