I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize