a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
