I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize