You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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