This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize