Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
