Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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