I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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